One calm summer night

Hey all,

      DWD is working on the final touches for Houses of Common. Will he notice me divulging that I overheard something about a January 2014 release date? Not until after I post this. Since I can't toilet paper the house, those spilled beans are my trick-or-treat trick, Mr. D!

      I'm obviously looking forward to Halloween. So in addition to impersonating Ms. Pranksturtle, I channeled some EdTerr Apin Poe as I searched DWD's hard drive. I found something in his C://ShortStories/Macabre folder. Inspired by one of my favorite poems, Richard Cory, and despite the risk of a HIPAA violation or a lawsuit from the estate of author Edwin Arlington Robinson, here's some flash fiction for ya!

      Happy Halloween,

      Shelly

***

October 18^th, 1897

    To the New England Medical Association, in response to allegations of negligence.

    From Dr. Dean Gardiner, MD

Dear Sirs,

    I have read the complaints against me from the Cory family, and have consulted my attorney in drafting this letter. It is my intention to show I, in due diligence, examined findings and pursued suspicions skillfully. I was, alas, too late to have averted tragedy.

    Never is it easy to have our human fallibility so potently shown us. Understandable is the reaction of those close to the incident, and despite this inquiry, I bear no ill-will to those in grief. My appeal is therefore two-fold. May the committee reviewing the incidents make note of the patient's symptoms and complaints, both admitted and intentionally cryptic. May they also consider my efforts in finding balance between medical authority and patient autonomy.

    Enclosed are my notes from the last meeting with my former patient, Mr. Richard Cory.

***

DATE: June 19^th, 1893

PATIENT: Cory, Richard

CHIEF COMPLAINT:

Patient is an age 35 male present, with out complaint, for annual exam.

PAST MEDICAL HISTORY: Childhood illnesses, no surgeries

SOCIAL HISTORY:

Single, no significant other, no exposure to venereal infections. Attorney by trade, heir to local factory. Smokes pipe tobacco five to seven nights weekly, and has three to four drinks nightly. Denies any medications or allergies. Consumes daily castor oil. Reports no weapons in his home.

REVIEW OF SYMPTOMS: No complaints, eleven body systems

VITAL SIGNS: Height 73”

Weight 155#

Blood pressure 140/92

Heart rate 95

Respiratory rate 30

GENERAL:

Healthy male. Alert and oriented. Pleasant speaking voice with no pressured speech. He is very articulate but with a voice less modulated than expected. Mood is slightly dysthymic and affect is flattened, but this is likely a product of the patient's position and training. His clothing is commensurate with his considerable wealth and schooling, though slightly more refined than is typical for his socioeconomic status.

HEAD, EYES, EARS, NOSE, THROAT:

Normocephalic, no sinus tenderness to percussion.

Sclera are not injected nor icteric. Pupils are equal, round, and reactive to light and accommodation. Extra-occular motion is intact.

Nasal turbinates are not swollen, no deviated septum, no discharge.

Oropharynx shows no lesions, erythema, swelling, nor discharge. Tonsils are present with no swelling.

Normal canals and tympanic membranes.

NECK:

Supple with no tenderness. Normal active and passive range of motion. Trachea is mid-line. No lymphadenopathy.

CARDIOVASCULAR:

Regular rhythm with tachycardia. No murmurs, gallops, nor friction rubs noted in sitting position. Patient declines supine examination. Carotid and radial pulses normal and bilateral.

PULMONARY:

Thorax is symmetrical. Good air movement in both lungs, with no rhonchi nor wheezing

ABDOMINAL:

Hyperactive bowel movements. Patient declines further exam.

GENITOURINARY:

Patient declines genitourinary examination.

MUSCULOSKELETAL:

Patient prefers no musculoskeletal evaluation.

NEUROLOGICAL:

Cranial nerves are grossly intact.

Cerebellar function intact.

Romberg testing is declined as patient reports “feeling awkward”.

PSYCHIATRIC:

Patient reports a good social network.

He denies feelings of guilt or hopelessness. No anhedonia, avoidance behavior in social situations, and no psychomotor retardation. He states concentration and appetite are normal. He has no history of harmful ideation or attempts at self-harm.

Patient's eye contact is diminished during this portion of the interview. Pupilary dilitation noted.

DERMIS:

Patient prefers to remain clothed. No lesions noted on the hands or face.

ASSESSMENT:

Normal history and physical.

Some concern exists for dysthymia versus depression. This may be interrelated to alcohol consumption, perhaps to social isolation.

PLAN:

I recommended the patient decrease alcohol to two drinks nightly, and not on nights consecutive.

He's encouraged to call upon local clergy for counseling. He is dubious as to the need, but I encourage such an open discussion with no worry of judgment. He is willing to consider it, largely based on a recent event in which he went downtown. He noticed people on the pavement looked at him. He felt self-conscious “from sole to crown”. In short, he feels people expect him to be everything, or wish that they were in his place. He suspects it's the recent short and cloudy days, and expects to feel more himself during the nights of calm summer.

Patient will return in two weeks to discuss progress.

End dictation.

An Invasive Procedure

Shelly finds it foolish, but I've often wished quality of writing had an effect on gravitational force between a book and the Earth. Roald Dahl's skinny paperbacks would take both hands to lift. Tolkien, Dickens, and Hugo would be stuck at a reading table or moved with a crane. On the other hand, a certain science-fiction novel would float away to clutter up Earth orbit along with erotica and most children's books. There is nothing like great writing, and this one was nothing like great writing. The book was a train wreck from which I couldn't turn away because it was the work of an established professional. I lost track of the bland, generic plot as the dialog and actions of the characters competed to one-down each other.

Later, after the memory was replaced by better stories, I was itching to fulfill a childhood espionage fantasy of hollowing out a really big book. What I'd done in middle school was passable, but if I was going to try again, I wanted KGB or National Treasure quality. Hoping for some photos and an idea or two for my literary hidey-hole, I found the website of Heather Rivers. She provided a humorously narrated peek into an artistic, well-practiced, type-A personality approach. Looking for a scribbled checklist on lined paper, I'd found a great read, all the more enjoyable for the serendipity.

And I knew just the book for the project. In a box for the thrift store, I saw it. My full-body shudder of recollected revulsion gave way to an angelic choir upon my ears and celestial illumination twinkling around the dust jacket.

Invasive Procedures, by Orson Scott Card and Aaron Johnston.

Normally, I would do this name-free. I prefer to praise publicly and critique quietly. But Card can take it, and I really hated this book for which I'd paid a new hardcover price and expected to love. Look at the reviews on Amazon.com if you think I'm being harsh. Besides, my plug for the rest of his stuff is thumbs way up and I'm waiting geek-fan style for Ender's Game movie tickets.

I gathered my implements of art/torture, and Ms. Rivers instructed:

“Take a minute and appreciate the book you're about to totally destroy. Go on, feel a little guilty. Remind yourself that true art is ephemeral and move on.”

Appreciate, check.

Remind, check.

Guilt, check. Guilt because I hadn't done this before reading the book.

The outside.

This first photo was taken after the job was complete. My wish for a correlation between physical mass and literary quality took a step toward fulfillment. It's strange to heft a book that's a third it's expected weight, but still solid and inflexible.

The inside.

See all the great book titles on the left page? See the cool title page design on the right? That's the place to stop reading this book.

Along the bottom edge, a gap is visible a few pages down. That's where the loose preface pages end and the bibliocrypt begins. Wanna see it?

Ah. That's better!

Heather's instructions at this stage of fabrication:

“Apply an unholy amount of glue to the inside of the book, and to the ½" border of the first page. Really, go nuts! If it doesn't look like a six year old was responsible when you're done, you screwed up.”

The clean lines of the excised portions were very pleasing to me, especially compared with my previous attempts as a kid. Some waviness is seen at the interior north wall and the bottom of the right page. My glue mixture was too thin.

Don't think for a moment the synergistic irony of making this book useful, my editing of it, and the title were unnoticed or un-relished.

The only advice I'd add to Heather's is this: Don't use a scalpel with a plastic handle. They aren't designed to take the necessary force. My project almost got gory, and blood-spattered books don't blend well in most bookshelves.

The parting words of Ms. Rivers:

“This excessively photographic guide to hollowing out a book is brought to you by Heather Rivers, who begs forgiveness for her sins against bookdom and would offer to the appalled that her book-lovin' karma is still in great shape after having spent two years of college working in a rare book preservation lab preserving priceless treasures that they might continue to be celebrated by book fetishists like you for many years to come.”

Thank Heather by visiting her site. http://rive.rs/projects/how-to-hollow-out-a-book

Tell her Derick sent you. She'll have no idea who you're talking about.