What if the Lorax was cold-blooded?

I'm remarkably well read for a reptile. Maya Angelou. ts eliot. Robert Frost.

Dr. Seuss.

The good Doctor hid his genius from the literary elite with silly meter and purposefully nonsensical words (as opposed to most humans' inadvertently nonsensical ones). Then he buried it like a hibernating terrapin in his comic strip illustrations. We commoners got it, though. If I had any wee ones, I'd read it all to them and they'd be better turtles for it. Thank you, Mr. Geisel.

Look! Sincere gratitude! My therapist will be so proud.

Problem is, those of the sapien persuasion get worked up over feel-good, warm fuzzy entertainment, and throw money after it with worshipful enthusiasm. The VISA credit card people know this well. So they helped bankroll the live-action Grinch and added their own tagline to advertisements. I swear I'm not making this up: 

“VISA. Just in case he's wrong.”

Invest. Distort. Profit.

Here's another favorite. I worry about this one, also. It's number two on the Ectotherm Readers List, right behind Yertle the Turtle. Though dark and ominous with one sliver of hope on the last page, The Lorax is brilliant. I think it's because of the dark and ominous contrast to everything else Seuss.

In theaters March 2^nd. Here we go again. But first, a word from our sponsor.

How long has it been?

I, the Once-ler ask when

you last thought to think of a Thneed?

Oh, such a shame,

and I take all the blame

for the tree-mess stuck firm to my name.

But again there's a need

at the mall in South Shreeds

for more of my high thread-count Thneeds.

But I learned. These new Thneeds

aren't from truffula trees,

instead they are fashioned from cheese.

Cheese made by bees, the great Bizzery Bees,

For Bizzery Bees work cheap as you please

and send all the Thneeds from Zizzer Zar Zees.

The shade of the truffula,

that's where I'll be seen.

So plant one or two,

just don't change your routine.

Remodel your house

and drive a new car.

Make certain your food

comes from far Far Balar.

Trade money for stuff.

Fancy shiny fluff stuff.

And never you worry if there's not enough.

That online teasler

of the city post-Once-ler?

It was happy and bright

and a sparkling sight

with houses and streets set just right.

It seems the old Lorax,

as we know in Woodholly,

he fooled Dr. Seuss

in his tottering folly,

to paint my Thneed-making with gray melancholy.

Great books can have flaws we must fix for the screen,

especially for kids whose minds aren't too keen

Still, get back those trees,

right away if you please,

to better what our home appraiser next sees.

In all it's glow glory,

here's the real Lorax story.

Shiny and flashing

with 3D so dashing.

For who needs in their head

Seuss's silly goose dread?

Here's mass-marketed opiate for masses instead.



The Lorax and I agree on ONE thing though. Go Mazda!

Another Day, another Valentine doll

Dear Teleflora,

 

DWD here. I watched your Superbowl commercial. You win!

 

Bold move to bypass comedy in pushing floral arrangements, but it worked. A voyeuristic insight to a model getting ready for a date? Hot. The way her trapezius and latissimus dorsi muscles snaked around her scapulae? Hot hot! But the marketing maestros added a final touch, lifting your ad above all others using silky skin to pique interest.

 

Education.

 

Coming straight from such a beautifully reliable source, her face is all the credentialing she needs. One can’t refute her wisdom.

 

“Guys, Valentine’s Day is simple.” Pan camera to the floral arrangement behind her. Sultry half-smile. Bedroom eyes. “Give, and you shall receive.”

 

There! The final word in understanding the female psyche! Brought to you by Teleflora! For years I attempted appealing to female intelligence. Empathy for the complex interplay of hormones and self-image and societal roles they must maneuver. Their desire for emotional connection and commitment.

All fruitless. Such a fool. I get it now, though. Women are flower floozies. Bachelor button bimbos, hyacinth hookers.*

 

Oh, how my life would be different had I known.

 

I once discussed the failure of greeting card and jewelry companies in helping males with relationships. In attempts to facilitate a man’s primal desires, they fall flat. Take a look. 

Averts Make the Heart Grow Fungus

 

No failure from Teleflora! Light the way, O Great Ones! Together, guys will get more receiving. You can undermine decades of feminist progress. We'll both rake in our well-earned rewards.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

DWD

 

*I thought up several other monikers consistent with Teleflora’s groundbreaking research, but they aren’t family friendly.