Another Day, another Valentine doll

Dear Teleflora,

 

DWD here. I watched your Superbowl commercial. You win!

 

Bold move to bypass comedy in pushing floral arrangements, but it worked. A voyeuristic insight to a model getting ready for a date? Hot. The way her trapezius and latissimus dorsi muscles snaked around her scapulae? Hot hot! But the marketing maestros added a final touch, lifting your ad above all others using silky skin to pique interest.

 

Education.

 

Coming straight from such a beautifully reliable source, her face is all the credentialing she needs. One can’t refute her wisdom.

 

“Guys, Valentine’s Day is simple.” Pan camera to the floral arrangement behind her. Sultry half-smile. Bedroom eyes. “Give, and you shall receive.”

 

There! The final word in understanding the female psyche! Brought to you by Teleflora! For years I attempted appealing to female intelligence. Empathy for the complex interplay of hormones and self-image and societal roles they must maneuver. Their desire for emotional connection and commitment.

All fruitless. Such a fool. I get it now, though. Women are flower floozies. Bachelor button bimbos, hyacinth hookers.*

 

Oh, how my life would be different had I known.

 

I once discussed the failure of greeting card and jewelry companies in helping males with relationships. In attempts to facilitate a man’s primal desires, they fall flat. Take a look. 

Averts Make the Heart Grow Fungus

 

No failure from Teleflora! Light the way, O Great Ones! Together, guys will get more receiving. You can undermine decades of feminist progress. We'll both rake in our well-earned rewards.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

DWD

 

*I thought up several other monikers consistent with Teleflora’s groundbreaking research, but they aren’t family friendly.