Tuesday, February 28, 2012

What if the Lorax was cold-blooded?

I'm remarkably well read for a reptile. Maya Angelou. ts eliot. Robert Frost.

Dr. Seuss.

The good Doctor hid his genius from the literary elite with silly meter and purposefully nonsensical words (as opposed to most humans' inadvertently nonsensical ones). Then he buried it like a hibernating terrapin in his comic strip illustrations. We commoners got it, though. If I had any wee ones, I'd read it all to them and they'd be better turtles for it. Thank you, Mr. Geisel.

Look! Sincere gratitude! My therapist will be so proud.

Problem is, those of the sapien persuasion get worked up over feel-good, warm fuzzy entertainment, and throw money after it with worshipful enthusiasm. The VISA credit card people know this well. So they helped bankroll the live-action Grinch and added their own tagline to advertisements. I swear I'm not making this up: 

“VISA. Just in case he's wrong.”

Invest. Distort. Profit.

Here's another favorite. I worry about this one, also. It's number two on the Ectotherm Readers List, right behind Yertle the Turtle. Though dark and ominous with one sliver of hope on the last page, The Lorax is brilliant. I think it's because of the dark and ominous contrast to everything else Seuss.

In theaters March 2nd. Here we go again. But first, a word from our sponsor.

How long has it been?
I, the Once-ler ask when
you last thought to think of a Thneed?

Oh, such a shame,
and I take all the blame
for the tree-mess stuck firm to my name.
But again there's a need
at the mall in South Shreeds
for more of my high thread-count Thneeds.

But I learned. These new Thneeds
aren't from truffula trees,
instead they are fashioned from cheese.
Cheese made by bees, the great Bizzery Bees,
For Bizzery Bees work cheap as you please
and send all the Thneeds from Zizzer Zar Zees.

The shade of the truffula,
that's where I'll be seen.
So plant one or two,
just don't change your routine.
Remodel your house
and drive a new car.
Make certain your food
comes from far Far Balar.
Trade money for stuff.
Fancy shiny fluff stuff.
And never you worry if there's not enough.

That online teasler
of the city post-Once-ler?
It was happy and bright
and a sparkling sight
with houses and streets set just right.

It seems the old Lorax,
as we know in Woodholly,
he fooled Dr. Seuss
in his tottering folly,
to paint my Thneed-making with gray melancholy.
Great books can have flaws we must fix for the screen,
especially for kids whose minds aren't too keen

Still, get back those trees,
right away if you please,
to better what our home appraiser next sees.

In all it's glow glory,
here's the real Lorax story.
Shiny and flashing
with 3D so dashing.

For who needs in their head
Seuss's silly goose dread?
Here's mass-marketed opiate for masses instead.

The Lorax and I agree on ONE thing though. Go Mazda!


  1. Is it crass to comment on one's own pet's blog one's pet has no choice regarding? Oh well.

    So excited for the movie! I bought tickets early, plus t-shirt, mug, keychain, baby binky, plastic figurines (complete set), and paper plates and napkins. The Lorax has his picture everywhere! Gotta jump on this and resell it online while supplies last and before demand tanks. I'll catch up on the credit card balance next month.

    I'm driving my new Hummer, too. Remember the Cash for Clunkers? Good for me. But at the 3D Lorax's recommendation, I'm going to trade in for that Mazda SUV. Electric, right? Lemme check. Nope, gas. Well, whatever. It's SeussCorp-approved. But the nearby theater has too sticky of floors, so I'm driving to the next state. My friends wanted to come, but I told them to meet me there cause I wanna drive myself. It's cold there though. I'll probably just leave the engine running while I go in to watch.

    Next I gotta check out what new apps are going to be out. I'll need a new smart phone though. Mine's three months ancient.