What if the Lorax was cold-blooded?

I'm remarkably well read for a reptile. Maya Angelou. ts eliot. Robert Frost.

Dr. Seuss.

The good Doctor hid his genius from the literary elite with silly meter and purposefully nonsensical words (as opposed to most humans' inadvertently nonsensical ones). Then he buried it like a hibernating terrapin in his comic strip illustrations. We commoners got it, though. If I had any wee ones, I'd read it all to them and they'd be better turtles for it. Thank you, Mr. Geisel.

Look! Sincere gratitude! My therapist will be so proud.

Problem is, those of the sapien persuasion get worked up over feel-good, warm fuzzy entertainment, and throw money after it with worshipful enthusiasm. The VISA credit card people know this well. So they helped bankroll the live-action Grinch and added their own tagline to advertisements. I swear I'm not making this up: 

“VISA. Just in case he's wrong.”

Invest. Distort. Profit.

Here's another favorite. I worry about this one, also. It's number two on the Ectotherm Readers List, right behind Yertle the Turtle. Though dark and ominous with one sliver of hope on the last page, The Lorax is brilliant. I think it's because of the dark and ominous contrast to everything else Seuss.

In theaters March 2^nd. Here we go again. But first, a word from our sponsor.

How long has it been?

I, the Once-ler ask when

you last thought to think of a Thneed?

Oh, such a shame,

and I take all the blame

for the tree-mess stuck firm to my name.

But again there's a need

at the mall in South Shreeds

for more of my high thread-count Thneeds.

But I learned. These new Thneeds

aren't from truffula trees,

instead they are fashioned from cheese.

Cheese made by bees, the great Bizzery Bees,

For Bizzery Bees work cheap as you please

and send all the Thneeds from Zizzer Zar Zees.

The shade of the truffula,

that's where I'll be seen.

So plant one or two,

just don't change your routine.

Remodel your house

and drive a new car.

Make certain your food

comes from far Far Balar.

Trade money for stuff.

Fancy shiny fluff stuff.

And never you worry if there's not enough.

That online teasler

of the city post-Once-ler?

It was happy and bright

and a sparkling sight

with houses and streets set just right.

It seems the old Lorax,

as we know in Woodholly,

he fooled Dr. Seuss

in his tottering folly,

to paint my Thneed-making with gray melancholy.

Great books can have flaws we must fix for the screen,

especially for kids whose minds aren't too keen

Still, get back those trees,

right away if you please,

to better what our home appraiser next sees.

In all it's glow glory,

here's the real Lorax story.

Shiny and flashing

with 3D so dashing.

For who needs in their head

Seuss's silly goose dread?

Here's mass-marketed opiate for masses instead.



The Lorax and I agree on ONE thing though. Go Mazda!

Adverts make the heart grow fungus

I've been lucky this Valentine's season. Not in the way humans hope to, but in finding ideas for carrying Derick William Dalton's blog for him, the bum.

In this case, it's a letter he wrote which I found in C:\Desktop\Letters\Angry\To manipulative corporate sycophantic s***heads. It's not a mushy one to his wife, obviously. Those are under C:Desktop\Letters\Seductive\My Bitsy Pookums Snoogy Woogy Wips.

Yes, I puked also.

The letter in question today is filled with the angst of a man crushed between the pressures of being romantic and the lack of time and creativity to do so. Then having his inadequacies repeatedly tossed in his face by popular culture.

The poor sap. He writes:


Dear Kay Jewelers and Hallmark Greetings,

I write to express my opinion regarding your advertising campaigns and products. I'm not concerned with cards contributing to rainforest destruction by lack of pre- or post-consumer recycling. I could care less if you purchase your uncut diamonds from militant tyrant regimes in Africa.

I'm disturbed by the misanthropic view of males which you project, and subsequent attempts to capitalize on perceived inadequacies.

"To My Valentine..." open card, "words can't express my love for you."

Really. Then why did you write those? To practice your calligraphy?

"To my dearest love..." open card again, this time with trepidation, "I wish you a sudden rush of whatever brain chemicals make you experience lust."

At least this one had real information, but you are insulting men blatantly instead of covertly. Are you suggesting Valentine's Day is really about men giving themselves a gift by bribing their partners? Okay, maybe to some guys, but be subtle! If that works, it's because the guy already accomplished the necessary seduction. Do you see the fine, blurry line between bribery and payment for services rendered?

To the jeweler, relationships exist for a different end. Judging by your advertisements, you gained a comprehension of women by watching fiances fawn over rocks while you were supposed to be polishing ancient crushed coal - no firsthand experience. The excitement is the man, the moment, not the sparkly ice. Sure, some guys wish they could skip the romantic dates, commitment, learning of first names, and get right to the sex. They have alcohol, and it's much cheaper than diamonds. Women see your commercials, obviously aimed at insecure single guys, and are repulsed. Not just at the guys exhibited, but their girlfriends who become neurotically ecstatic when on one knee he offers a bit of jewelry. Real men want to give you a wedgie and a swirly, real women want to change the channel.

Continue to remake romance in your own image. Associate your products with happiness and ecstasy. The world needs more hollow products to fill our emotional voids.

Leave me the hell alone,

Derick William Dalton


A chill pill. Double dose. Or a day off, that's what DWD needs. Personally, I'm grateful male turtles are the alcohol and no-commitment types, sans alcohol. So much less complicated.

I could go for something chocolate, though.